I wonder often this days if having a child of my own is the path we should take or not. I am surprised by the disparity in opinions of those with whom the subject comes up. It's been more then one year since Cary and I have been married and what a treat it has been to revel in each other's essence. Adding a whole new human being to the mix definately would change our dynamic and probably that of the kids as well. From previous hints on their part I think they are expecting it with open arms especially Cara who is ready to be part of the big ones.
After spending the summer with the kids I realized how nice it would be have a child for whom I was its mother and with whom grew and inculcated life skills into. I am aware that if I give birth to a child my life is no longer my own but attached to being a mother until I die.
Why does anyone have children? Is it ever or always out of a selfish motive to leave something behind and to be someone's link to life? And if so, should being a step mom be enough or is it not enough gratifying to clean, feed and love without respite when with them.
My exercise teacher encouraged me not to have any so I could dedicated my life to a goal I am passionate about. Yet my doctor told me that not wanting a child was selfish. So far I leave it open to God. If their is a special human being that He feels needs to come through me then may I be used to groom the child into adulthood. No matter what, I wish to translate my energies into a dream I am excited about.
As for my wonderful step kids, I know they love me and respect me but I wish they would help me more. Nonetheless, they are a gift and I have decided to accept them the way they are and to go on living for them knowing that some of me will rub off on them eventually.
I hope that I can learn everything I need to learn about raising children quickly and will be given the space to adapt to this big change. Well having them only every 2 weekends makes it easy to serve them a good time but harder to include them in the process.
What is in a name? I asked Cary how he would feel if the kids called him by his first name? Ofcourse I would not like that.... it would be disrespectful he said. Now does that mean that only biological parents can have that form of respect? what of stepmom's should we go on being called by our first name? Not even like a close friend of one of the parents... ant this and uncle that? Why should DNA or time dictate respect. What do I get other then being tired from all the hard work then. So far I have used this situation as my form of sacrificial worship.
If I do end up with a child how strange will it be for him/her to call me mom when the others call me Elizabeth? The name disscource I had last winter and settled it in my heart to mean that it does not matter what they call be but how. Plus I hardly ever was called Elizabeth. And now with my name change I truly feel like a Mrs Kokkonen. It would be kind of neat if all of a sudden everyone just calls me mrs k. Right now I am living out my deepest fantasy.
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